the thread

The whole conversation:
Mom,

You are forgetting the whole reason I started this conversation in the first place. My goal is to understand the root of my self-destructive behaviors so that I can end them for good or have a full awareness of them so as not to need them anymore for comfort, relief, etc. . . and i am doing this for myself so that I can have a healthy relationship with myself and therefore with my son and so that i can be a more fulfilled individual with a healthier life. I did not start the conversation to examine what you did or didn't do as a parent, but rather to find out what was missing in my life that I needed to turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, etc for the things that I wasn't finding elsewhere.
One of those things I have discovered as an ongoing issue for me is not feeling heard, not feeling listened to, and not feeling like I have truly been able to process the traumatic events of my upbringing.

There were certainly many wonderful things that you have given to me, tools that I have used and enjoyed and loved, and i am very appreciative of them. Thanks for being a fantastic mother to me, and for going through so much. I know the questions I am raising are not easy ones for you to face.

But I am exploring the roots of my own self destructive behaviors with the intent that in finding those roots, in finding the things that I seem to be missing in my life, I can learn to nurture myself in new healthier ways so that the addictions will not arise again in difficult times in my life.

One of the ways that you can help me on my journey, if you choose, is to try to put aside whatever defenses you may feel arise and just deeply listen to what I have to say rather than formulating opinions while I am speaking/writing, etc. If someone says to you "I don't really feel like you are listening to me, and that hurts me" then you might try harder to listen. This is what I am asking you to do, for my healing.

Maybe it is too much for me to ask you to go down this road with me. But I think in the end you will find peace from it as well. There is nothing wrong with processing the pain of the past, it can only help you move though it.

I care to know these things because I love you very much and I wish to be closer to you and to myself and to truly know you in a deeper way.

Love,

HEidi










----Original Message Follows---- From: Diana Howes To: Heidi Howes Subject: RE: Consider... Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 17:04:47 -0800 (PST) How did I teach you how to be healthy and kind to yourself.... Did your and my doing the mini-triathlon at mingo and riding bikes together to Portsmouth set an example for how to include sports in your life? Is that being healthy? Did you father taking on being a coach for the softball teams teach you how to be athletic? Was taking Katherine to gymnastics lessons a way of teaching taking care of oneself? Were those opportunities/examples for how to be a part of team, to go for what you want, to try your all, to be physically active and have fun? Aside from the dogma, the religion, and the stress about going to church, was going to church an opportunity to explore the spirituality side of our humanity? Did my going to yoga classes provide you an opportunity to see that yoga was a good thing to do? Was having music in the house an opportunity for you to be expressive in your creativity? Isn't singing, being in a choir, playing the piano, cello, or the guitar a way to "take care of yourself"? Would you not call that "music therapy"? Didn't we set examples for all of that? Did your father and I set an example for you by not smoking, not drinking, not doing drugs? What would life have been like if we did do those things at home? I don't know the "right" answer or "the truth". It's just a thought. Just an inquiry. Love, Mom
Heidi Howes wrote:
Mom, I think you might want to think on this theory of yours for a while. How did teach us how to be healthy and kind to ourselves when you were in an abusive relationship? Did you set an example of how to take care of ourselves when you really didn't know how to do this for yourselves or each other? Did someone else say this to you, because it sounds like something you just shot from the hip without really thinking about it. Love, Heidi
Original Message Follows---- From: Diana Howes To: Heidi Howes Subject: Consider... Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 22:28:49 -0800 (PST)
Heidi,
Consider that you and Chris both took drinking, smoking, and pot as a way to get back at your parents. What better way to get back at your parents who did the best they knew how and wanted you to have a great life than by not having a great life, by not following their instructions about how you could be healthy. Love, Mom