Finding the way to the truth of the Heart

Some amazing conversations with my mother have been leading me closer to this book. It feels like a hunt for the little melody I hear faintly in the background of my life -- this call I am beckoned by. It is becoming more and more clear. It is true, if you step towards that song, it becomes clearer and clearer. I have been slowly steeping towards it, and wondering how to approach this difficult memoir I know I must write. Today my idea stretches to a memoir of interviews with each family member, beginning with my mother, which I think is very appropriate because she gave me life, because that bond which began at birth and was severed many times over or distorted with distractions and our own gaurdedness or our own fear of getting closer, that bond is still there. I can feel a gentle healing taking place as I contract and release in my heart while talking to her, as I tense and then relax again with each wave of emotion that we pass through in this dark unknown territory of sharing. My mother has hardly shared with me the map of her own heart, the trials of her own life and her own fears. She acknowledges this, that she has never revealed herself to us because that is what she believed was the right thing to do. Her worst fear was that crying in front of us and opening up to us would somehow harm us, when in fact the opposite is the truth, and her disclosure of herself to us would in fact bring us closer and help us to know ourselves better while knowing her. What a revelation!!
I remember as a child and young adult always wishing to know my parents, to understand why they did the things they did, why they were who they were. Those answers were never given to us, and we in turn never processed the many traumatic events that took place in our lives. This is what my mother and I are attempting to do now, to process the events that shaped a family, and I am very proud that she has decided to venture on this journey with me to unlock these secrets as much as possible, to seek the truth in our pain, to unleash the dam on all this love. (Good title? "All this Love: Conversations with my Family")