mothersong

Momsomnia
I have been up since about 5 a.m., there is absolutely nothing worse than lying in bed,tired, trying to sleep, and not being able to. So this morning I give in to the racing thoughts and sit here at the computer. My mind goes warp speed when I can't sleep. I can't tell if it's just my own fault, or if this is a normal occurence, but I haven't been able to bring any kind of change to Luka's sleeping patterns. He still wakes up every 2-3 hours until about 4 a.m. at which time he wakes up 4-5 times within the hour and I nurse him back to sleep over and over. Usually at about 5 I am really frustrated and then he falls into a deep sleep and I toss and turn until 7 or so. In the middle of the night I am usually so angry and frustrated with this I could cry or scream, but I always survive through it. My days are literally a daze, though, because the sleep deprivation is torture. My body has no energy, my mind is foggy . . . and I usually end up reading my writing and chastising myself for being such an idiot. I think, who the fuck is this person?

I read in some book just after Luka was born that if you do not consistently get 6 hours of sleep straight, which is the amount one needs to have in order for the REM cycle to complete, then psychosis will set in. Yes, that's it exactly -- I have been existing in a state of low level psychosis for 10 months now. Where did my personality go? I feel like an empty, haggard, shell of a person sometimes. Well, that's in between the laughing and cheering while things like his first steps happen.

I know, I am not alone, but this morning I was thinking maybe I am wrong to nurse him back to sleep, maybe the cry it out solution is the best. I have been around and around this subject in my head, in conversation. I have been mostly a single mom through this journey, which is why i took the path of least resistance on the sleep thing -- because it never seemed to be the right day to lose more sleep trying to change the habits we had formed. Because there was no relief in the morning or any time at night or any time throughout the day. Because it was enough just to get to sleep at all. And things are getting a little more customary these days but I still can't imagine how it will get any better.

My doctor basically chastised me for co-sleeping, and he also said it was cruel and horrible to make your baby cry it out. But he didn't give any concrete advice as to how to get him to sleep, so I am assuming he probably hasn't had to do it. If he has, it probably has been a while. He actually told me that I was having an aversion to Luka sleeping in his own crib because my mother probably made me cry it out and it was so traumatic for me that I can't bear even the thought of it. Actually, my dear doctor, I would love for him to sleep in his own bed if he didn't scream bloody murder every time I put him in there. I would love to have my bed back and not to be sequestered to the far corners of the Earth, hanging by a sliver of flesh to the sheets! Oh, and then there is the beautiful platitudes of my grandparents "You made your bed, now lay in it!"

I have resolved to reread the No Cry Sleep Solution in desperation and with hope that something will be different this time. I tried to follow it when he was about 7 months old, but being alone it didn't seem doable, and things kept coming up, and I got sick of trying to write down every single time he woke up and I just didn't see how it was going to work because I couldn't get him to change a single thing about how he nursed to sleep, or where he would sleep, or anything.

My friend Abby's baby Sam doesn't sleep any better than Luka, or maybe he does, because she doesn't seem as angst-ridden about this as I am. Every morning when something like this insomnia happens (which it does seem to be every mornign lately at least) I am so freaked out I think, okay, we have to do something, and maybe he will just have to cry it out.


Yeah, right.