mothersong

Dear Mom,
The full moon woke me up thinking it was morning, but in fact it was only 1:30 or so. I bet you have had many sleepless nights like this one in your life, I suppose it is pregnancy right now keeping me up.
While I was lying in bed I realized I needed to tell you about how hurt I felt after something you said on the phone the other day. This is not an attack, I just need to share with you some things that have been an issue for me for a while, and I haven't known how to tell you how hurt I have been. I hope that you can hear this with an open heart and not become defensive and perhaps look gently into a way to fit my request into the business of your life as it is. Oftentimes we complain when what we really want to do is request something -- like I complain to Andy that he hasn't done the dishes in a week when really all I need to do is say, honey, could you please find time to do the dishes. So behind this is a request, and a big one at that.
The other day we had a great conversation on the phone in the morning, and at one point I told you something about Luka being more this or that than other kids (I don't even remember what quality in particular it was, but it doesn't matter -- I think it was something about needing lots of stimulation and interaction). You quickly replied a seemingly harmless sentiment something like, "well, I am sure he is not any more this or that then any other child his age." It was very much "seemingly harmless", but actually patronizing and, simply not true.
You see, there are many ways in which Luka is more or less this or that than other children, as we are all unique and special and different and have our own needs and speeds of development. For example, he is verbally way more advanced and gifted than most children I know who are 3. He is also an insanely gifted athlete with balance on a skateboard that amazes most people. We think it is such a joy to discover the secret talents of our son. Do you know that he has these talents? Sure, every parent thinks his or her child is more special, or the best at something -- and in fact in the case of your own children, all of us turned out to be gifted and special in some unique way, I am sure you can't argue with that. As Luka's mother, it is my job to be tuned into whatever his talents or struggles are and to help him find his unique abilities and to guide him towards his bliss.
What your comment made me realize profundly is that I feel you hardly know your grandson at all, and certainly not nearly enough to ever make the assumption that what I may say about him is or isn't true. This is simply a sad fact, and I realized that what hurts me most is that over the past year especially, you really didn't seem to care or to want to make any effort towards knowing him better. On a couple of occasions you had said you would come visit and then didn't, citing financial difficulties or time or whatever, and then you spent numerous weekends in Ohio visiting Willie. This especially was exceedingly hurtfult to me, because over and over it felt as if you chose him over us, and on top of that you didn't even seem to notice.
Obviously I want you to have a happy and fulfilled life of your own. I want this for you deeply. But I also long for a loving, engaged, and yes emotionally and physically present grandmother for my son. He hardly knows you. He needs his relatives and grandparents in his life. He needs you to know that he is in fact very different from any other kid, and he needs you to know things like what his favorite food is and what time he goes to bed and what his favorite activities are.
I hope that you will not take this letter as a harsh attack, because that is not how I mean it. I don't mean it to be a list of ways that you have failed as a grandmother or mother and I am sorry if that is how it comes off. What I mean is for it to be a request. I am requesting that you become more of an active participant in your grandchildren's lives, starting now, and make them more of a priority. I know you go to fiddle camp with Cammie once a year, but let me impress upon you that once a year may not ever be near enough to know your grandchildren, and their time with you on earth may not be long!!! My grandmother died last year and I hardly knew her. She was cold and distant much of my life. I am very saddened by what I lost by not knowing more of her. Now my own father and Luka's maternal grandfather may never be as present for him as I wish, so this leaves even more responsibility to you to be a more present grandparent.
I don't know how you can fit it into your life to be more involved with Luka and his sister, but I am asking you to please think about how deeply important it is to myself and more important to him that you be there for him and his sister through their lives consistently. As they are young right now, it is perhaps more important for you to travel to see them and make a concerted effort to reach out to them, as they can't do that for themselves -- and as Andy and I are in the process of raising small children, travel to see you is not so much an option for our family.
Wisconsin is only 4 hours further than Ohio from St. Louis, and I am sure you went to Ohio an average of once per month or more over the course of 2005. Do you think you could make 3 trips to Wisconsin to see us this year? Maybe that would be a possible place to start, or maybe 2 trips is more realistic since it is already April.
I am deeply grateful for the ways that you have supported us, and I know that you have done your best to give financially and otherwise throughout the past few years to me and my new family, and I know it hasn't always been pretty, in fact these have been the most difficult years of my life. (Still, I don't consider my children accidents or burdens at all despite the struggle I have been through, in fact I consider them to be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life and my life's most important work.) I want to thank you for the ways you have helped, nurtured, and supported us. But I also need to request that you start thinking of your grandchildren as a priority and responsibility. They need you. They want you in their lives. Perhaps you were not ready to be a grandmother, but they are ready for you to be one right now and always, when they need it most.
Thank you for listening Mom, I know I challenge you.
I love you very much
Heidi