letters

I look forward to the time when my kids are older and I can steal more moments, but really I just need to be in the moment now, because that's all we have, right? I am doing really well these days (great night of sleep last night, wow!) and very excited about the new baby. You are so right about the girl baby bringing up our crap (I am so positive it's a girl but we find out in the ultrasound later today! I really just want to know if I'm right= how bad is that!) Yes yes yes to the death of our own stuff. I have been having dream after dream about my sexuality, and my sexual past especially, a lot of the dreams involve this young girl's body morphing into different ages. Pretty disturbing stuff some of it, but I have recently come to interpret them as my psyche's way of getting me to clear out my sexual closet. I think having babies has made me desperately aware that sex can be so harmful -- I was exposed to pornography (kind of by accident) as a very young child, which flipped a switch in my brain and caused me to be way too aware of sex for a young person who has no way of processing the emotions or consequences -- I think this is similar to what happens with children who are sexually abused (though thank god that did not happen to me) and sent me reeling through my sexual life like a bull in a china shop -- so that now I have crossed to the other sidefrom sex addiction (read 100's of partners from age 12 to Andy) to absolutely never ever ever wanting to have sex. (which feels weird but also incredibly liberating -- well, to me, not my husband). I was so wounded as a child by the images I was exposed to that now I am petrified of what might do the same thing to my children -- and I am mortified by the thought that them seeing us have sex would do that, hence the block to having sex (yes, seeing/hearing my parents have sex was traumatic to me mostly after the experience of watching porn because I had noone to ask/talk to about it and I didn't consent to seeing/hearing it -- this is what we have to watch out for i think). I am finally figuring it out though, bit by bit, which is the first step.
I will definitely check out red tent, sounds great!
Over the past 2 weeks or so my meditation practice has become my anchor, and i am loving it. I have been reading all kinds of books on buddhism, and rereading Buddha Mom again (which I love). I am just following an instinct here, so it feels good to have a solid spiritual practice helping me each day to being more mindful. Practice is about finding your center everyday so we don't get so lost . . . and in pregnancy it has proven very helpful. Also with parenting, lately I had a breakthrough with Luka -- I was not defining limits and boundaries clearly enough and he was walking all over us, but I have tightened the belt and surprisingly he is really responding. Now I just have to get Andy on board.
I finally somehow have stopped the horrible train of negative thoughts from overwhelming me. I don't know what happened -- maybe a chain reaction of the new fish oil, demanding to sleep in my own bed in my own room, my therapist giving me an attitude adjustment, my little brother trying out for the NFL and restoring my faith in dreams, . . . a lot of things I guess. But I feel a real difference lately in my thinking, a different kind of process that gravitates towards "yes i can" instead of "no I can't". God, it's a relief. Now I also see how much I was hating myself as the super negative person I had become. Like I might have told you before, I feel this baby is really bringing a lot of hope and joy into my life. BUt I am also strting to develop a keen gratitude for Luka's gift to me -- this huge transformation and growth in the form of a massive struggle. I am hopeful that the dark days are lifting for the time being. We shall see. Or actually, i will affirm they are over. I am happy, cheerful, healthy and whole (oh, yeah affirmations are my new thing too -- girl, I will do anything to get the fuck away from the depression monster)
I have been having a triumphant time of teaching voice lessons, and developing relationships with my students (I love teaching teenagers -- so full of life's possibilities), and it is the first thing that has come "easily" to me in a long time. I had a recent setback when i didn't receive a grant I applied for for my CD project, but after a week of wallowing in self pity I decided that Mothersongs must be waiting for the perfect time and the perfect songs to be born with so slowly I will plug away. Studio time is so damned expensive and we are poorer than poor (food stamps, the whole bit) so I find it hard to justify the strain it puts on my family, but i know it will come together, I just have to stop striving and listen more. I have been learning to let go of "wanting" and "future" and trying to just live in the moment and find the direction within me.
So, spring is slowly coming to this cold northwoods and I welcome it with all my heart. It has been a strange winter, but I love the hibernation, honestly. I don't know what I would do without winter, especially such a long one. It is not for the restless, and if you are restless, it will break you down bit by bit, wind by wind. It's like meditation.