keeping track

Today it rained in torrents and stopped to let the sun shine through. Today I am writing to save my life. Today I walked for hours with a friend and has creamy gorgonzola salad and nachos with Luka at the Black Cat. Today he woke up saying "shoot, basket" and likes to make a funny joke about dinner. It goes like this, we ask him what he wants for dinner and he says mischieviously "Dicksticks!" (fishsticks) "Noooo, what do you want for dinner?" "Mote!" (milk), "NO silly! What do you want for dinner?" "Hoowah!!!" which is Smoothie and then we laugh our asses off. Today I loved him deeply and it was really a good day. Today I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Well, that was a relief. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't say it myself. I couldn't bring myself to admit it, but now I get it -- the extreme moodiness, the disassociations, the tuning out to the TV, the surfing all day on the internet, the negative self talk, the low self esteem, the lack of motivation, the lack of sex drive, the list goes on and on. I feel so glad to know, but now the task is getting healthier, and I think it's good to have to accept this thing on its terms and work to get better. I commit to exercising every day and the other two things Joyce said to do was multivitamin and fish oil. So I started those today as well, and now Andy knows and he is great about it, and now I can be honest and open with myself that it's okay and I am not a bad person because of this. I need to start doing yoga again and listening to Swamiji and just generally taking it easier on myself. I must start journaling and though I do love the pen to paper this is very gratifying as well, and who knows when I will ever get around to ever reading any of this crap I've recorded for years. Perhaps I will get to the written page soon enough -- I can't do it all and it's enough to be writing period after all . . .
I feel like I have been walking in a haze and now I know why. I stopped smoking altogether on Wednesday and have decided to stop drinking altogether as well, at least until this thing is under control or much better. This is a hard world to live in but I love it anyway I love it.
We are going to see BIll Miller on Friday and I am sooooo looking forward to it. I need the inspiration.
Love to me and all, I need to get out of this self absorbed thing. Or I just need to love myself and do what I can to give. Love, give. I will be okay, I know I will, I am just slipping. Slow. Walking is good, I will run as well. Exercise in mass quantities. That will be good. ANdy is wonderful, Luka is a dream. I love my family.