A moment to myself

This morning I awoke with Luka at around 4:30 and just never made it back to sleep once he did. So I took the hint and rose at 6 to meditate. This week was good for that, i made a promise to myself that I would meditate each day, and considering the circumstances i did very well -- 4 days out of 7 I sat for at least 5-15 minutes, and this morning I sat for a whole 1/2 hour!! Mornings seem to work better for me, and I did get a lot out of it this morning. I tend to pray more, to take more time, to be less restless in the morn, but you never know how it's going to be really. SO many emotions were sticking right on the surface this week, since opening the can with my mother about the past. Her emails to me were very disturbing at times, and I think this was some of the first times in a long time I have felt actively hurt by my mother -- as if she intended to hurt me with her words. Of course she would probably scoff at this but I don't think she has the self-awareness to really know.
One of the most hurtful things was when I confronted her about not listening to me. She started saying that she is a
master listener" and that other people in her life acknowledge her for her supreme listening skills, etc. One of the things that I feel most missing in my life is my parents acutally listening to me. I remember once I confronted my father about not listening or communicating well, and he retorted with an almost exact defense as my mother, only he said something pertaining to the fact that communication is his forte because otherwise he wouldn't be as successful as a business man. This conversation being repeated by my mother is very hurtful to me, especially because it seemes to confirm that she really wasn't listening and then it brought back this old pain again.
My mother also criticized my relationship with Andy and openly voiced her speculations about him, comparing him to my father and calling him abusive. That was a hard thign to take and I dismissed it mostly -- it is sd that I often dismiss many of the things my mother says. Is that what it means to not relate?
So I let it rest for a while. I didn't respond to my mother's last email because it was too hard and I think I went through enough last week. I was in an incredibly awful mood most of the entire week, lots of stuff floating to the surface, muddying up the water.
Baby awake