unsure

unsure where her life would go, she sat down in the road and cried. while she was down there on the gravel, she noticed how dirty her feet had become, and started thinking of what her toenails might look like pedicured. she had never even had a real pedicure, not that it mattered since she was barefoot in the woods most of the time anyway. underneath her feet she saw a small herd of ants, so busy, so seemingly anxious. when she was peering at the ground that way, the rest of the world seemed to disappear and she felt safer, quieter, somehow more whole. she wished everything would disappear and she could just live in this peaceful place from now on, just her and the damn ants and her barefeet. then, after quite a long while, she lifted her head a bit and had to squint for the bright sunlight. she was dark in that little hole surrounded by her long brown hair, shading the ants and her feet, watching her tears puddle up on the sand. just in front of her in the culvert lulled a long lone indian paintbrush, her favorite color of orange, and she thought if only she could slow down long enough to feel what the flowers feel. to actually feel in flower time. that would be my perfect life.

Sunshine revelations

Today was beautiful and sunny though I was tired and sore and walked in a bit of a cloud but Jennifer's fire and our walking is helpin gme clear my head. I accept myself better now that I understand what has been happening with my life. Things seem nicer, easier, not so difficult. Luka is learning so much every day we have to stop swearing because he hears the weight in those words and repeats them as if throwing back to us some heavy ball like a game. I think I like this age more and more as he is getting so fun. Less disobedient and more interactive, truly talking with us and playing with us. Tonight we had Curtis over and I sank my eyes into his deep caramel skin, lingered over his long black hair. He is someone I truly admire, someone not unlike myself who continues to dive headfirst into his own issues and come out a better person. I must remember this. I spoke with Dave on the phone and he is enjoying practicing therapy, it seems to give him a sense of purpose, though now I often get the sense he is trying to help me . . . he will settle into it. Today was a gorgeous day. We walked and talked for hours and then played at jenn's and she reminded me that these are the days we will look back on and cherish, and today I know I cherished it because he took a long nap and I was able to do the dishes and cook dinner in peace and share that dinner with a treasured guest and just have a nice, normal, pleasant and free of drama day. Beautiful. And I have been journaling quite wel, and avoiding sugar well, and all those things . . . stream. Love thyself!!!!!

Today I let go

Today I let go and let the day take me. Today I woke up miserable but sit here anyway, happily writing. Today I walked through the woods and smelled the wet fragrance of spring even though it was cloudy and yucky. Today Luka laughed harder than ever. Today I told my mother about my depression and she didn't miraculously learn how to respond and it was okay that she didn't know what to say. Today I had more compassion for all the other depressed souls out there. Today I thought even more than ever it is time for me to let go of material possessions being important or giving me comfort or security or self worth or fun and that I still truly believe I can do these things on my own. Today I thought of bicycling with Luka again. Today I slacked on chores but cooked a good, loved meal for dinner. Today I ate no sugar except for the honey in my coffee and the Luna Bar. Today I found 2 vintage leather purses at the thrift shop for $2. Today I talked with my friend Curtis and admired the goosebumps on his gorgeous baker's arms as the wind picked up off the Lake. Today I was inspired by him. Today I asked Andy if he still loves me and he said yes, and so did I. Today was life and life was today and I did fine.

I know I still have a voice

I know I still have a voice
though mostly now my thoughts
drain her,
drain the luscious bath of her,
the lavendar and lemon scented water of her,
the warm cleansing peace of her.
I know I still have a voice
when music comes on the wind
and I begin to sing,
when thoughts stop for one stanza
and melody emerges.
I know I still have her. This voice
will rise again out of the torment
out of the damp basement mind
where she lies chained.
Rise, sweet bird,
rise and sing again!!!!!!

keeping track

Today it rained in torrents and stopped to let the sun shine through. Today I am writing to save my life. Today I walked for hours with a friend and has creamy gorgonzola salad and nachos with Luka at the Black Cat. Today he woke up saying "shoot, basket" and likes to make a funny joke about dinner. It goes like this, we ask him what he wants for dinner and he says mischieviously "Dicksticks!" (fishsticks) "Noooo, what do you want for dinner?" "Mote!" (milk), "NO silly! What do you want for dinner?" "Hoowah!!!" which is Smoothie and then we laugh our asses off. Today I loved him deeply and it was really a good day. Today I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Well, that was a relief. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't say it myself. I couldn't bring myself to admit it, but now I get it -- the extreme moodiness, the disassociations, the tuning out to the TV, the surfing all day on the internet, the negative self talk, the low self esteem, the lack of motivation, the lack of sex drive, the list goes on and on. I feel so glad to know, but now the task is getting healthier, and I think it's good to have to accept this thing on its terms and work to get better. I commit to exercising every day and the other two things Joyce said to do was multivitamin and fish oil. So I started those today as well, and now Andy knows and he is great about it, and now I can be honest and open with myself that it's okay and I am not a bad person because of this. I need to start doing yoga again and listening to Swamiji and just generally taking it easier on myself. I must start journaling and though I do love the pen to paper this is very gratifying as well, and who knows when I will ever get around to ever reading any of this crap I've recorded for years. Perhaps I will get to the written page soon enough -- I can't do it all and it's enough to be writing period after all . . .
I feel like I have been walking in a haze and now I know why. I stopped smoking altogether on Wednesday and have decided to stop drinking altogether as well, at least until this thing is under control or much better. This is a hard world to live in but I love it anyway I love it.
We are going to see BIll Miller on Friday and I am sooooo looking forward to it. I need the inspiration.
Love to me and all, I need to get out of this self absorbed thing. Or I just need to love myself and do what I can to give. Love, give. I will be okay, I know I will, I am just slipping. Slow. Walking is good, I will run as well. Exercise in mass quantities. That will be good. ANdy is wonderful, Luka is a dream. I love my family.